Apollo D Loose (apolloose)

Drops in the Bucket About Me

Put my heart on my sleeve at 9AM break today.

December 8, 2015

1) The T**** has me fired-up. Muslim is a religion. They don't wear "I'm a MUSLIM" t-shirts. You just should not say things like that, period.

2) I have said time and time again - the guns you buy are for profit going to the gun manufacturers, not to protect your FREEDOMS. I don't need guns, and I won't take yours. GET THIS: I talked to two co-workers, today. The first owns 10 guns, and the other person owns 12. I know they weren't even VETS. In the ARMY it was, and I am sure it STILL is: #1shot1kill. You really don't need a lot of guns if you can shoot straight, eh?

3) As a veteran of the US ARMY - I can tell you there are already enough weapons owned by the government to arm every citizen if it comes to viable threats from our enemies. "They" are not going to take guns from citizens. If there is WAR on American soil, I am fairly certain the GOVT will be handing weapons out.

4) I am a centrist - I lean to the liberals, but cannot support every hippie-tree-hugging-pinko/rainbow-commie belief. The GOP is just too far right, too...


Tags: #1shot1kill

Posted at: 08:20 PM | 0 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

Life is too hard.

September 3, 2013

I awoke tonight from a terrible dream.
So far from the truth that it was only a dream.
Heading off a path, and free from the world.

Alone, not cold or empty. Right or wrong
Just leaving things where they lay and moving on.
The people that cared, cared for themselves - My life, not theirs.

God was the most absent of all. He took away my soul and my reason to fight.
Downhill, I went. No point in climbing back up - I have already been to the top.
Just wake up this is how it ends. Everyone is dead - you have no friends. 

Tags: bummer birthmark hal

Posted at: 10:53 PM | 0 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

40+ a day or two or three

April 23, 2013

I have not been writing on these pages for quite some time. LIFE seems to keep moving on, and I want to revisit the past year in some form or another. Yet, I will need t at least record where I am right now.

40 - was awesome, my sister took me to dinner, and I was surrounded by Family. I received a scrapbook from my mother, that was assembeld by my grandmother. Would you believe it has been 5 days, and I still only opened it once?!?! How can I find the time? Looks like I will have to make the TIME.

Day 1: The manhunt was on TV, never in history has reality TV been so real. The City of Boston was locked down for most of the day. At 9:30PM - it was all over. This is going to set a precedent for years to come. I fear for my children - that "Land of Free" is a theory, more than an actual place we live.

Day 2: At the Ballet, Roxanne and I have decided at no matter the cost - Ellie will dance. It was so impressive to see her on the stage with the...

Posted at: 04:01 PM | 0 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

Part III

August 3, 2012

I am in a bettter place tonight. My days are long, but my life is flying by at a blur. Last week, I really wanted to make "Our Story" a two-fer. But, after reading my last post - I realize tonight I am glad I stopped where I did.

To recap, Roxanne was in the hospital June 11-15, it was because of a lifetime of taking Ibuprofen. Actually, taking NSIDs was causing the cramping and inflamation in her intestines. Roxanne was taking ibuprofen for the pain, headaches, nausea, and nerves. We have been together for 15 years, and she has always taken some kind of medication for her migraines. Migraines seem so insignificant to me compared to Cancer. That was her battle not mine. I can't feel her pain - it just doesn't work that way. Headaches would come and go. But, now she has Cancer.

My mom was still here for another week. So, all I had to do was make it to work, and take care of Roxanne. My mom left that Friday, and at this point, I felt the role of "Helpless Husband" should be removed.

Up till now, I was making it to work, feeding the girls,...

Posted at: 10:22 PM | 0 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

Part II

July 25, 2012

So, last month I posted "Our Story" up to the beginning of June. It was probably the most difficult time we experienced so far. Roxanne started getting really severe cramps. She could not move and would lay in bed all day - only to get up for her radiation treatments. We tried to keep her spirits up, by counting down the days on the Family Message board in the kitchen. But, you can read about how it was affecting me on the blog here: http://blog.esidra.com/cgi-bin/blog/view_post/781928

By Monday, June 11th we were back in the emergency room. Roxanne could not cope anymore. The pain had to be something else besides "side effects." It was a very long day for us at the hospital, that turned into an even longer week. Thankfully, my mother was visiting from Kentucky to help us take care of the girls. We were warned ahead time that the last two weeks of radiation can be the hardest. Momom really was a blessing, and it was one less thing for us to worry about, while Roxanne was going through this.

I had to miss work to sit in the ER, all day.  None of the doctors treating Roxanne...

Posted at: 12:36 PM | 0 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

Another Milestone!

June 25, 2012

Today, Roxanne finished her 5FU - round one chemo. Six weeks of continuous pumped in Cancer Fighting Goodness. Hah! Not quite. This road has been a lot bumpier than the brochure stated!!!

Just to catch up those of you joining me a bit late on this blog. Roxanne and I have been maried for 13 years, and we have two beautiful daughters - Ellie (11) and Sedona (4). It's a pic from 2009, but here are my girls:


 On February 1, 2012 at the age of 34, Roxanne was diagnosed with colon-rectal cancer. On February 15th, the doctors determined it was stage 1, and Surgery was scheduled on March 15th.

Things did not go as planned. So, on March 19th, four days after the surgery, she developed some micro-tears from her colon resectioning surgery, and it was determined she needed an ostomy bag. And spent an additional week in the hospital. She made it home on March 24th.

Meanwhile, my employer was changed from one company to another. Insurance got jumbled and tumbled, and the bills kept coming in. With the added expense of the ostomy bag. We had no coverage for a visiting nurse. I actually was the...

Posted at: 05:52 PM | 0 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

Oh so bored... fixing the problem?!?!

June 14, 2012

Uh-oh, you guys caught me on a night off of work. There was an interesting interview with ICE-T this morning on CNN, that actually demonstrated the effects of this graphic quite well. Everything is sugar-coated, pop, feel good on the radio. The political stuff of the past just doesn't get the air time it used to. But, is there a solution?!?! What can I bring to the table? Google is the only company that seemed to have the right idea, "first do no harm" - but, then they started filtering the Internet for China. Seemed hypocritical to me.

Facebook is fun - because it gets the messages out there, but I am sure they are in it for the money as well (two weeks ago, they proved that).

We can't unplug. knowledge is power. But, where will the next crack occur? I am positive the media has us so tilted or skewed in our OWN political beliefs, that as I get older I just find myself agreeing to disagree on almost every social issue out there. Why should I rock the boat? Over something as silly as a playground mandate created to protect individuals from just doing no harm...

Posted at: 10:31 PM | 0 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

Fuck Cancer!

June 4, 2012

I know it has been several weeks since my last post. But, tonight this coping bullshit has gotten me really in a bad place. I wanted to get through the night, when Roxanne was hooked up to all those hoses and machines (March 20). But, everyday is now becoming a struggle. I have talked to several people today at church and out and about. But, Roxanne is not at my side. She is having a really tough time with chemo side effects. Pain Meds aren't helping, she is on an antibiotic as a cautionary measure. And, she stayed upstairs all day. Tomorrow I have to go back to work from 2PM to 12:30AM. I am scared if this gets any worse. 

This round of treatments (chemo&radiation) is only for 3 more weeks,  I have compartmentalized many things in my past, as a recovering addict, I compartmentalize many things in my present. Putting troubles in little boxes we call days, and stuffing them away in the attic of my mind. As time passes, there are a lot of fucking boxes in my attic. Some boxes are rewarding to dig out, but OTHERS I don't want to ever have to look at twice....


Tags: roxanne cancer past cope

Posted at: 01:25 AM | 1 Comment | Add Comment | Permalink

Watching you sleep.

March 20, 2012


I would love for you to know ALL the people praying for you. Tonight, the doctor did a real operation on you. You have lots of tubes hanging out of either side, and some going in, too. You are hooked up to a PCA, to control your own pain medication, and for the first time I actually heard you say "7" on your pain scale of 1 to 10. Keep sleeping, all of your angels are watching over you.

It was a long day, and tomorrow will be better. Love You Soooo much.

Ellie and Sedona are with your Mom taking care of the house, and probaly watched Dancing with the Stars, tonight on TV. Sedona enjoyed BBQ Chicken, mashed potatoes, and corn. Ellie had a fun ride to dance class in the convertible with the top down.  Wishing there was more to say, but I just want to watch you sleep. 

Posted at: 01:07 AM | 8 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

Roxanne back in the ER

March 19, 2012


Thanks for stopping by my blog. I don't post here too often. Mainly, because its generic thre is no point to my ramblings sometimes. And, here I have no filter. But, since Febuary 1st my wife has been diagnosed with Colon Cancer.

At first I felt like a real shithead, because she was showing symptoms last summer. Yet, we had no health insurance. When, I did get some it turned out to be CUT RATE, and I only recently found out the carrier is involved in Class Action Lawsuits in other states (Fucki Me, eh?). But, it is enough insurance to get her some care, and she really needed it. Hence, the reason I feel like a jerk for putting it off for 6+ months.

Anyway,  the doctor in early February knew it was Colon Cancer. right away! By February 15th she had a CT Scan, and Chemo and Radiation consultations. We were pretty sure it would be similar to a family member that had the same situation a few years ago.

 But, this was different - there was an ultrasound that showed it was not going to be STAGE 3 Cancer only stage 1, Praise God! Surgery was...

Posted at: 06:21 PM | 2 Comments | Add Comment | Permalink

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